I'll be 'Treeing' you
by dleduddet
Summary: Locke falls madly in love with... Bianca?


**Title:** I'll be 'Treeing' you 

**Author:** dleduddet

**Disclaimer:** If they were mine there would be more moments like this story on the actual show

**Summery:** Locke falls in love with… Bianca!?

**Rating: **PG-13

**Spoilers: **none

**Characters:** Locke/Tree, Kate, Charlie, Jack

**Notes:** Alright. Please don't make fun of this story. I don't want to hear it. It was originally an inside joke between me and a friend when she blurted out: "The only action Locke would ever get is from a tree!" So I, being me, decided to write this fic. Now keep in mind I wrote it in all of 20 minutes. But it is funny. Just not great quality. Once again, if you reply don't bash it. I know it's not great writing, it was intended to be funny. Enjoy!

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There it was again. Standing there. Growing.

John Locke looked at that tree and burned with passion. For weeks she was all he could think about. She was beautiful with her nice, thick bark and her big, green leaves. He had named her Bianca and he loved her.

The big, bald boob walked up to his beloved tree and wrapped his leg around her thick trunk.

"Oh, I missed you so much!" he gasped as he caressed Bianca's branches. "You're soo bad babe…. What's that? Yes you're all I could think about too. You know, all day, when I was chopping that wood, and skinning those boars, It was you baby. You just kept popping into my mind. Or should I say 'growing through the soil of my dirty, dirty mind.'"

Locke laughed to himself.

"Oh stop it!" he blushed and swatted her beautiful bark.

Right behind him Locke heard a noise. Someone was coming. He couldn't let anyone find out about Bianca! They would try to steal her away from him.

"I'll be back my love!" he said dramatically and kissed her where a mouth would normally be.

Locke turned and ran back through the forest and out onto the beach.

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"So who where you talking to earlier?"

John Locke looked up from where he was lying on the beach, thinking about his beautiful, forest mistress who was undoubtedly awaiting his return. Staring down at him was that pesky Jack, sticking his nose where it didn't belong as usual.

"Wha- What do you mean?" stammered Locke, knowing he had been caught. Jack was just the person he didn't want to know about Bianca. He would surly try to take her for himself.

"This morning. I heard you talking in the jungle." Replied Jack with a suspicious look on his face.

"Oh" said Locke "Oh that. I was uh… I was talking to… myself."

"You were talking to yourself?" asked Jack, raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah well, sometimes when I'm out there, you know, skinning boars and stuff, I get a little bored. It helps to talk to myself. This morning I was uh… planning where I'm going to go next for meat."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Well I-" Jack started to say but was cut short. A group of people were running down the beach toward him yelling for the doctor. Jack turned around a Locke took his chance to dart out of site and back into the jungle.

Peering out from behind a tree he saw Jack turn back around looking bewildered at the fact that Locke had simply disappeared. Smiling to himself, Locke walked further into the jungle. It was time to see Bianca again.

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Turning into the clearing where the graceful Bianca stood, Locke stopped short and dodged behind a tree. There stood that darn Charlie.

'What on Earth is _he_ doing here?' thought Locke. 'Oh know! He knows what a knockout my Bianca is! She's having an affair!'

Locke stood watching Charlie meander around the clearing observing trees. Finally he bent down next to a tree and moved some underbrush over, revealing a hole. Reaching inside, he pulled out a virgin Mary statue and broke it on the tree trunk. He then reached his hand inside the broken statue and pulled out what Locke knew were bags of heroin.

'Thank god!' thought Locke.

Charlie pocketed the baggies and covered his hole back up with underbrush. He then stood up and turned towards Bianca.

Locke's jaw dropped as he watched Charlie unzip his pants and whip it out.

"NOOOOOOOO!" yelled Locke as he ran full force towards Charlie and tackled him. (insert slow motion running and yelling here)

"What are you doing!?" screamed Charlie as he and Locke rolled around on the ground. Locke ended on top of Charlie.

"Don't do it!" He panted looking down at Charlie.

"Do what?"

Locke paused and looked around. They must look ridiculous and now Charlie was going to know all about Bianca.

"Do what?" Charlie repeated

"Don't do…. Don't do….. HEROIN!" Charlie exclaimed. "That's right! Don't do Heroin!"

"What? Have you been spying on me?" asked Charlie pushing John off of him and standing up. "Well you know what? It's none of your bloody business what I do."

"Bloody Wanker." Charlie mumbled and walked away.

Locke watched him go then turned and ran to his beloved Bianca.

"I'm so sorry!!" He exclaimed hugging the tree. "This will never happen again. I'll make sure of that." Locke then made out with the tree. (insert strange images here)

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That night the castaways all watched in astonishment as Locke frolicked around camp gathering rocks in a backpack and glaring at everyone he saw.

"He gone mad!" Charlie mumbled to Jack and Kate. "You know, he tackled me earlier!"

"I know." Said Jack. "I heard him talking to himself this morning."

"Hey John!" yelled Kate "What are you doing?"

"Just leave me alone!" Locke yelled back. Nobody was ever going to find out about Bianca.

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A couple hours later John was standing in front of Bianca again.

"I love you, baby. You know that." He said and kissed Bianca's tender bark. "I'm sorry but I have to do this to protect you."

Locke grabbed her lowest branch and pulled himself into the tree. Climbing to the top, he got comfortable amongst her branches.

"And now we wait."

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"I think we should go after him." Said Charlie. "He's been gone all day and he's our only hunter. I don't really like him but, if he's hurt or something, we're screwed."

"Yeah" said Kate. "I'll go get Jack, then I'll steal a gun from Sawyer and we'll go."

"What's the gun for?"

"Well, you know all the crazy things that happen on this island."

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Locke was startled awake. Sitting up in his nest of branches, he clutched his bag of rocks to his chest and peered down through Bianca's leaves.

"John! John Locke! Where are you?" yelled Charlie, Jack, and Kate as they appeared below in the clearing.

"This is where he tackled me." Said Charlie, standing next to Bianca.

"This is mad." Said Jack, leaning on Bianca's trunk.

"Get your hands off of her!" yelled Locke and threw a rock, hitting Jack in the head.

"Ouch!" yelled Jack and he, Kate, and Charlie all looked up into the tree where Locke was crouched.

"What are you doing?" Yelled Charlie in disbelief.

"Protecting my one true love!" yelled Locke and threw a rock at Charlie.

"Is he foaming at the mouth?" asked Kate as Locke threw a rock at her as well.

"He's crazy!" said Jack, dodging another rock. "What are we going to do?"

"Well," said Charlie "There's only one thing to do. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Yeah" said Kate.

Kate looked up at Locke, pulled out Sawyer's gun and shot Locke directly in the chest.

"That's not what I was thinking!" screamed Charlie as Locke fell to the ground.

The three castaways bent over Locke as he took his last few breaths.

"Tell… Bianca… Tell Bianca…" Locke said. Then he died.

Charlie, Jack, and Kate all stood up. Looking at one another with confusion, they turned away from Locke's body.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Charlie.

"yeah." Said Jack and Kate "What the Hell just happened.?"

**LOST**


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